6.02.2001

Saturday morning...

It's been a long week of strangness. After coming back from a great weekend in VA Beach for the Carbon Leaf shows, I finally got some sleep. I didn't realize how tired I was until I finally sat still in my quiet apartment which looked like a Northern Outfitters bombed it.

Thursday I was teaching in Richmond. That was strange. I am usually road tripping on the weekends, so that completely threw my clock off. I never drive a hour during the week for anything. Richmond is a weekend place, yet there I was on a Wednesday evening speeding down 95.

Have you ever been to one of those places where it just "feels" like it burns in the summer? Columbia, SC is one of those places. It just looks like it bakes in the summer trying to cook you from every which way as you try to adjust your car's air conditioniing. Richmond is like that. It's just laid out funny to me and very confusing, not to mention hot and blurry on a Thursday afternoon.

Friday morning my body didn't want to get up. I honestly thought it was Saturday. I've gotta work on my lack of time conception. Yet it turned out to be a good day. It rained. Free carwash!

After class I went out with some friends from work to Mr. Smith's. We were sitting around doing the usual of making fun of each other and talking about work, people and those around us in the bar. During the conversation, my co-worker Jeanne asked me about why I moved up here from Charlotte. She thought it was for a guy, and it was partly, but not how she thought it was. So I had to give a little background info and then current info, which brought Jen into the scenario.

After trying to explain why someone I didn't know didn't like me, Jeanne said one of the strangest things to me...

"Well I could understand why, you're very intimidating."

Wha? Huh? Me? Intimidating?

That is a way that I have NEVER heard myself described.

Quick pause on the Jen stuff. Must have this one explained to me.

Jeanne told me that when she first met me that she was like "Whoa..."

My eyebrows went up.

"What do you expect. You're just..."

"Loud," Sammy threw in there.

My jaw dropped.

"No not 'loud'" Jeanne replied, "Just intimidating."

"Not 'loud' loud, but 'loud' like me and Bobby. You're fun to be around..."

"You're pretty and smart and confident and extrememly outgoing which would scare any female," she added.

And any guy, I added silently.

Hmmmm, so now I am intimidating.

I have never thought of myself in this way. That is just really strange to me, but it would explain a few things.

I can understand why someone like Jen wouldn't like me. Don't get me wrong here, I like Jen. I've never had a problem with her other than the fact that she puts pressure on Matias to do what she wants him to. Not by force, but by playing the "girlfriend" card and he feels obligated to comply.

I can understand why people older than me are amazed when they find out my age. And why I scare the fuck out of people my own age...especially chicks.

Here's my question though. Why should I be considered intimidating just because I am confident?

It took me a long time, lots of tears and miles of hard work to get to the place where I am right now. It took getting over a lifetime of living and trying to pull out all of the lessons that were there for me to learn to be the person that I wanted to be.

And after all of that work, I could loose the person who's probably the closest one in this world to me because his girlfriend cannot handle him having a confident, and intimidating I guess, chick in his life.

Okay.

Does this sound strange to anyone else?

Or just me...

5.28.2001

just trying this thing out....
5.28.01 12:46 am
and so it begins. The day when I get a digital journal...