6.22.2001

it's too early for me to be up, and now too late for me to actually go to bed.

I came home from work, ate some really good ice cream and watched friends. Then I did something really bad...I took a nap!

Not good...

slept right through my appointment of meeting with caroline tonight to help out/watch her do the sound for The Grandsons.
slept right through my wanting to go to Banana Republic to pick up a gift certificate for Dave's birthday.
slept right through the time when I should've eaten something a bit more healthy than just ice cream

and then i woke up....at 12:45 a.m.

great. So now I've had 4 1/2 hours or so of sleep under my belt and i'm ready to go! I packed for my flight today up to Cleveland to see el-em and go to the John Mayer/Howie Day show. I packed for the rest of my weekend in Philly for the DMB show and I even got all of my directions written down off of expedia.com.

And now, I'm just putzing around the internet, checking on sites I haven't seen in a while, and caught up on my blog readings and other digital diaries.

Which brings me to updating my own. I actually should be packing up my car with all the stuff that I plan to take with me up to Camden, but it's raining now, and that hinders my plans. But on the other hand there is an overhang thingie at my building that I could park under. Yep, me thinks I'll go pack up my trunk now. I've nothing better to do.

I'm awake now...

6.20.2001

Last night I went to become a sound-bitch. I have been interested in music for so long now, and there are so many aspects of it that I want to get into, that when I met Caroline, I jumped at the chance of diving into her knowledge and learning anything that I could.

Last night was lesson #1.

I had a great time. She is amazing!! There were hums and "shshsh" noises that she made disappear or less noticable. There were things that she did to make the guys sound better (guys being John Jennings and Mike somebody) . I had no idea. There is a whole new world that was opened up for me yesterday! All those knobs and pretty lights mean more to me now than a simple form of circular amuzement.

So what's next?

Lesson #2.

I'm meeting her again tomorrow night to set up for the a band called The Grandsons. I cannot stay long, but I do want to go hang out with her. I need to get home and get ready for this upcoming weekend.

Friday night I am flying up to Cleveland to go to the John Mayer/Howie Day show with el-em. I cannot wait to see her again! She's got to finish up her directors chair. :)
I also get to see Dave and hopefully hang out with him too.

I fly back into BWI on Sunday morning only to get in my car and drive up to meet everyone for the DMB show at Camden. I get to see everyone that I saw or met at the RFK show here in D.C. I love me some sheeps and freaks!

But for now it's off to bed...

By the way, I had some of the best mashed potatos tonight. Just the right amount of skins, lumps and butter...mmm....
Last Stop Huntington

I sit on the train
And look around me
People are everywhere
Rushing to get on through the doors
Speeding out from the underbelly of D.C.

There's a woman across from me
Sitting on the other side
Who just realized that she's on the wrong train
Rolling in the opposite direction of her destination
I hope she's not trying to get those packages in the mail by 5:00!

The doors open
Some escape
Others rush through the closing doors
Holding up the train
Trying to be captured in its grip

There's a couple on the seat
Now vacated by the lost woman
They are smiling and talking quietly
I look up and smile at them
They think I have Ani up too loud
but I can still hear
Their plans for later on tonight
Dinner at 6 at the cafe down the street
Drinks afterwards with old friends
In town for one night

The train stops again and more rush home
Some pull out things to read
Others are listening to music
And there are those that stare ahead
Trying to avoid the glances of others
They look back if I catch their eye
I wonder what they are thinking, dreaming, dreading...

Was your day as hard as your face expresses?
Are you as late as your watch is telling you?

I want to stand up and sing
"Smile pretty and watch your back"
I'd probably be escorted off the train
Forcing them to relinquish some expression
Emotion, Enthusiasm, Empathy

They just sit there staring
Blankly at their paper or out
The window or back at me
Trees flying by in a blur
The river is in the distance
Planes are above me on my right
Everything is moving
Speeding, Rushing, Hurrying

How strange
I am in a tube with people I've seen before
People I'll never see again
I wonder how the dinner and drinks turn out?
Did the lost woman find her way?
Did the man make his flight?

How public this transportation is
Carrying us around
Confining us within inches of strangers
Staring at foreign faces
And yet no one is willing to
Budge
Exchange a smile, let alone a word

The girl beside me left a few stops ago
But I didn't even respond to her departure
Who was she?
What does she do?
What was that book she read?
I don't even remember her face

Have I become so immune to those around me?
So sheltered in my own 24 inches of seat
That no one else matters?
Have I become just another product of
Public Transportation?

6.19.01 Tuesday

6.18.2001

some days were meant to be had.
today was one of those days

Talking to people that I barely know, yet feeling comfortable enough to open up to them and answer their questions honestly.
Having that feeling that I am sharing my good mood with others by just smiling at them.
Knowing that no matter what happens, today, I own it.
Taking a nap because for once, I can lay down because I want to, not because I have to.

*************

What is it about music that can change my mood so quickly. I put Ani on (Living in Clip, disk 2) and now I am in the mood to sit down and write. There is just something about the way she strings words into phrases and those phrases into songs that make my head spin. (She is actually in town right now at the WolfTrap Theatre. I should've gone, but I don't have the money. I know, excuses.)

She inspires me to write.

She is amazing! Madison got me hooked on her and to this day I thank him for that (among other things).

I want to sit quietly below a skyfull of stars. To sit there, head back eyes blurry from the never ending stare. I want to sit somewhere quiet by myself and to not think. I don't want to think
I just
want.
to.
be.

There is this hill on the GW Parkway that I pass on those days when driving is the only thing that allows my soul to be free. I want to sit on that hill. To watch the stars come out over the Potomac and dance away into the night. But the lights are too bright here. I need to get to the beach.

Whole
I sat alone in the sand of VA Beach
And watched a storm stretch its long thin crooked lightening fingers across the black sky.
I needed to be alone, away from the noise and smoke of the Jewish Mother.
I needed to be away from the crowd.
To sit silently and allow my heart to finally, fully let go.
I sat there even after I let him go out with the tide and watched that sky.
The blackness that was lit up only ever so briefly,
With each splash of those long crooked fingers.
The sand was cool and damp from the afternoon showers.
The coolness crept through my pants and up my back.
I shivered
But I didn't leave.
I stayed there and leaned my head against my knees.
Every so often a couple would cross my line of sight.
I would smile if they threw a glance in my direction
But the majority of them
Just kept their gaze on the ocean or the one beside them.
I was alone.
I was quiet
And I was free.

Tonight I want to sit on my balcony
And watch the sun set
Sending long rays over D.C.
But I missed the sunset.
I missed the only chance that I would ever have to see that sun set.
Tomorrow it will be different
And I'll probably miss that one too
But it's the feeling that I'll miss more
The thought of being the only one in the world sitting still
And that moment
Taking in the sun's beauty
As it falls down past the buildings lining the curve of the earth.
And being calm, content and still
Not worrying about tomorrow or the day after
Or what is going to happen ten minutes from now
It doesn't matter
Because for an instance in time
I am there, complete
Full of beauty and peace
And the knowledge of being
Whole

6.18.01 Monday

6.17.2001

why must people try to set me up? I love the thought and appreciate it, but why must they try and take my love life into their hands.

I'm not picky. I'm just me. I don't date aimlessly. I don't see the point in it. I just think that it's a waste of time. If I don't see anything coming of it, then I don't pursue anything with that guy.

Tonight, my good friend Sammy and I went out with a couple of our other friends. This girl he used to date was having a birthday party of sorts and she had a few single guys with her. Sammy decided to go tell Jay (the only taken guy in the group) that I was single and looking. Jay, who I've never met, nor seen before in my life, came up to me and literally dragged me away to go meet the single guys of the group.

I felt silly, as if I was on display. And one by one, as I met these guys, I checked them off.

Nope.
Nada.
Maybe...er...Nevermind
Oh dear god, not while I am still breathing!!

And that was it. I turned around and marched back to my group. End of story.

I don't like being the center of attention playing the role of "single girl". I felt as if I needed one of those silly "Hello...My name is " badges on.

"What did you say your name was again?"
"Janessa"
"Vanessa"
"No, JAnessa"
"Oh, nice to meet you Janice..."

What the fuck? I hate meeting new people and having to yell in their ear. If I have to yell at you the first time we meet something is wrong with the situation.

I don't go out to meet guys. I have never dated anyone that I just happened to meet in a bar. That doesn't turn me on. I expect to find him in his element, doing his own thing, and enjoying it because it makes him happy...not because his friends are going out and dragging him along in the hopes of sending him home with some lonely chick for the night.

Yes I am frustrated.

There I said it.

I am frustrated.

I repeated myself for emphasis that time.

I am not frustrated with myself or the standards that I have set. Believe me, they aren't high, but I don't want to be like all of the other females that I know of in the NOVa area! I am not a DC Ho. I am not a fresh out of college mama. I am me...

*sigh*

It's 3:30 in the morning. I went out dancing after playing pool. Or rather, watching my friends play pool. I sat there and became the cheering squad for both teams. I think I had more fun than the ones playing! :)

And I haven't been dancing in so long! Actually since my last birthday (12.6), so I was a bit overdue. I had a great time, but certain people in the group had too much pent up sexual tention and had to promptly leave.

*sigh*

And people ask me why I always want to drive... :)

It's finally Sunday morning. In a few hours the sun will rise on yet another day, but I'm already awake. I think I might stay up and watch it - repeat last weekend, but with a lot less people and way less noise.

Then again, maybe not. I think I'll go running in the morning down by the Potomac. There's nothing like the smell of fresh polluted water hanging strong in the morning air.

Okay I thought about it...

I'm going to bed and hiding under the cover...