7.25.2001

i think that the most extraordinary person has entered my life...

granted, one is wounded and healing,
but never the less i can only sit back
and watch in amazement.

he questions everything, but not in a bad way
no he asks questions to be aware of how he feels
he asks them to give himself a measurement
to see how he is doing at that particular moment in time

and i, i sit there watching from a safe distance
knowing that he's aware of my presence
yet knowing that right now there isn't anything
his heart can do about it

i don't mind
i'll watch
i'll fall
i'll get back up
and be his
biggest fan

*************************

7.24.2001

i found out today that my younger sister is getting engaged this weekend, getting married in february and moving out to california soon after that...

the world is moving and i'm standing still it seems...

it's been a strange weekend.

long and strange.

and i've noticed that lately i've been doing things that i would only think about doing in my head.

"why not" i justify to myself, "when will this opportunity or chance come along again?"

and so i'm back to finding myself doing strange things.

this weekend, i was in charlotte. i saw my brother for a little bit. i stayed with my friend jacqui and saw a friend of mine. i took a quick detour to my old high school to see how it was still holding up.

part of the reason why it was such a strange weekend is because i felt as if i was falling back in time. i don't know why. i always feel that way when i am in charlotte. buildings change. there are more people and more stores and still not enough to do...or not that i would even really know about it.

but here's the colmination of it all...i went to my high school. lately i have been thinking about this mural that my AP art class did when i was a senior. we painted the wall in our display case between the 2 art classrooms. that was the spring of 1996. i graduated, we all did and moved on to other things. sunday i went back to see if the mural was still there. it wasn't and i had this overwelming sense of disappearing wash over me. the mural wasn't there. people that i grew up with are no longer in my life and even though i was with someone who i've know for a few years, i still felt out of place.

i felt invisible to most of everything that was happening to me this weekend. out of place and invisible.

i wonder why people search for their past. it's disappointing when you go back in search of it and it's been painted over with ugly gray paint.

my mark has been permenatly removed from south meck. what else is to come?