5.03.2002

Yeah so now I'm in the mood to blog. Some nights the thoughts start and I really should write them down. Most of the time I put it off until I have one long blog that needs to be put down, but before I forget I want to share a few last thing with you guys.

1. Music
Josh Rouse -- Under Cold Blue Stars
Rosie Thomas - When We Were Small

if you haven't already, then I highly recommend picking up their latest cds. I can't get enough of Josh's cd and with a cross-country road trip coming up, Rosie's "Wedding Day" seems all too appropriate.

and yes, I'm on a first name basis with both of them. I've listened to them enough and talked about them longer enough that I can call them Rosie and Josh. I don't think they would mind.

2. EMP - Experience Music Project
If you are ever in Seattle. Go. If you are a music lover. Go. If you like Nirvana, Collective Soul, SoundGarden, Jimi, or any Northwestern band, Go. If you love the idea of jamming on instruments that aren't yours and that you can't break. Go. If you love the smell of museums that rock. Go.

I went. I saw. I laughed. I got misty eyed. I had a great time. I'm going back.


I listened to Wedding Day at EMP. I first saw Rosie and Josh together last monday before heading out to Seattle at IOTA in Arlington. I love hearing new music and falling in love with it instantly.

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Wedding Day
- Rosie Thomas

so much for love i guess i've been wrong but it's all right cause i'm moving on
i've got my car all packed with cassette tapes and sweaters and loose change and cheap cigarettes
and i'm gonna drive through the hills, put my hand out the window and sing til i run out of words
i'm gonna stop at every truck stop, make small talk with waiters and truck driver men
i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat with no one around but me and my friends

it's gonna be so great
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

yeah i've had enough of love it feels good to give up some good to be good to myself
and i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination but plenty of vision in mind
and i'm gonna drive to the ocean, go skinny dippin', blow kisses to venus and mars
i'm gonna stop at every bar and flirt with the cowboys infront of their girlfriends

it's gonna be so great
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

so much for (?) i've been wronged but it's alright cause i'm moving on
i'm gonna drive over hills and mountains and canyons and boys that keep bringing me down
and i'm gonna drive under sky line and sunshine, drink good wine at vineyards and get asked to dance
i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by, never ever again

it's gonna be so great
it's gonna be so great
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

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it's on repeat and i'm goin' to sleep now.
5.2.02 Thursday

I think today is the 2nd. I honestly don't know.

And it's finally hit me. I was watching ER tonight and it finally hit me. I'm running again. I'm running from confrontation. I'm running from being hurt. I'm running from being alone and yet I can't seem to stop myself.

I moved out. I thought I was doing the right thing, and honestly, I believe that I did, but now I don't even want to talk to him. My breathe was caught in my throat when I figured out that he had gone back to her. It's strange. I wasn't expecting him to do much else and a few months ago I was so angry to the point of crying that love couldn't prevail. In some strange way it has, but without me there to witness it. Call me crazy, and maybe I am, but I'm angry with the both of them. Part of me is angry for them surviving and having what I can't and the other part of me is angry for my brother going back against everything that he ever stood for and wanted for her. Do I miss her friendship? No. It wasn't really there. She's fake. She's whatever the situation around her is.

Honestly, complete honesty? I can't have people like that in my life. I need people who are strong within themselves. Why? Because that's what keeps me strong. I need people in my life that know who they are or atleast actively trying to pursue it. I don't want someone who can call my brother and tell him that I'm a drama queen. Or that I'm all surface. I don't need someone in my life that thinks that just because I'm not calling them "sweetie" that I'm depressed. It's so damn crazy actually. I'm not going to live in a house where my roommate discuss me behind my back. I'm not going to live in a house where I don't trust my housemates and they don't trust me. Regardless of when or how the trust was broken, to me, trust is something that you have instantly but when it's broken, it's lost completely. I'll always question and second guess everything you say to me. Trust is what friendships and relationships are built on. Calling me the "Expert" and questioning my stories or that I go running after getting home from trying on a bathing suit. Okay so I'm not in the best of shape, but still. Does that cause you to belittle me? Behind my back or not, that didn't need to be stated.

I can't get it out of my head either. Her telling him that I'm basically shallow without a plan and without much of a life. Coming from her is ironic, but if that's how you view me, then I really don't want to be there.

And so I moved out. Without any warning. Without any just cause - or so they thought. Without any remorse.

But it's finally hit me. I'm tired of shallow people being in my life. It only justifies my point of keeping my circle small and close. It's not hard to get into my center circle, but I don't make it easy either. I was once told that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I guard my emotions with everything that is in me. Sounds ironic doesn't it? How can I guard my emotions and still wear this shirt of mine.

It's tricky but I'm getting it down. It's also scary that I can do this. It's scary to know that I can turn off emotions so quickly. It's scary to know that I can turn people out of my life so easily and without a further glance back. But that's how I am. I walk before I can get hurt...and yet I still manage to keep my heart right there, duct taped to my sleeve.

Last night, Jenn asked me if I was where I thought I would be. Looking back, no. I'm almost 25. I've got 10 more years til I hit my ideal age and right now, I'm no where that I thought I would be. My interests are nothing like I thought they would be. What's important to me are things that I never considered. And what I have is nothing like I dreamt.

So with that said, it's funny to ask: What were my expectations?

Honestly. I don't know. I have these dreams sometimes, but they are usually fuzzy and without probable meaning. And they have always been like that. I can remember walking home from the playground on 6th NW and thinking of my ideal man. Someone older with greying hair. Someone with a beuatiful smile and kind eyes with slight wrinkles that creased when his face light up in jest or laughter. I could almost see him...actually I still can. But I used to be able to hear his voice. I used to think about being with him and traveling. There was never a huge family there. Just me and him. A solo act of two, wandering, coming and going and just doing our own agenda.

And that agenda? I never really thought about what it would include. Just far off places. Bags packed and stuffed in the back of the car. Me, singing offkey to the songs on the radio as we drove off on some highway to the next destination.

Granted this dream has grown over the years and taken more shape...but it's still fuzzy. The driver has changed many times over. I've tried to picture certain people behind the wheel, laughing at me with those creased eyes and wondering smile. I've been wrong up to this point, and honestly, I think that will keep changing. It's just something that I still dream about though.

But like I said, it's changed over the years. It's not exactly where I thought I would be right now. I didn't think that I would be leaving the first place that I actually called home. I didn't think that I would be living out of a suitcase in a townhouse in Laurel. I didn't think that I wouldn't be talking to my parents and avoiding them at all cost. I didn't think I would be uncomfortable and nerveous about talking to my baby sister. I didn't think that I would be planning a solo cross-country trip. I didn't think any of this would be happening right now.

Yet I still look. I still try to place my driver. I still try to fill in that blank and whenever I get close or think that I'm almost there, my life takes another turn and my destinations shifts a few degrees to the left and the longtitude reworks itself.

I recently met someone who seemed to come closest. He was a beautiful man with beautiful eyes and a smile that could make me laugh. He had eyes that asked me questions and he usually followed up with the verbal accomplish. It was brief and I'm not certain that an "it" was even there, but still, I couldn't help it. He approached me first. I didn't even know it. I was off in my own little subconcious world, reworking my latest literary work called life and running in circles, throwing myself into cherity work and driving to the ends of the east coast to help out where ever I could. Yet I still didn't realize what was infront of me. And yet, it's gone. Where it went I don't know. I flew across the country to see him for 5 minutes. I blocked it out, suppressed it down but like I say, "I've always got Boston."

And like most everything else in my life, it's just another catalog entry of moving pictures and sounds, filed away in my memory and conjured up when I need a boast or a flashback to prove to myself how lucky I am.

But am I really lucky? Could the girl who hasn't paid her car insurance this month be lucky? Could the girl who doesn't talk to her mother because of that lingering question be lucky? Could the girl who keeps tripping over the doorframe to love and relationships be lucky? Could the girl who gives of herself until there's nothing left be lucky? Could a girl like me be lucky?

I guess so. Looking back, I'm not where I thought I would be. I'm not married to Madison. I don't have Lily and I don't follow any predetermined path that my parents raised me on. I'm not working at a job that I love. I'm not working at much of anything right now. I'm 24 years old and I only know one passion. I'm 24 and only know the pangs of heartache and cherish the few times that I've been lucky enough to come close to loving someone. It's funny to think of what keeps me going. It's funny to think that a brief kiss in time or a slight touch or whispered words can keep my strength up, promising me that it will come again. I know what faith is, only because I'm vigilant in my hope that love will eventually find me. I know that it won't come knocking at my door tomorrow. Damn, I don't even have a door. I don't have much of anything right now, but I've got me. I've got two really good friends that check up on me and call me constantly. I've got music that, oddly enough, is something that Madison gave to me and yet that's what I hold dear about him now. So I don't really have parents. I've disappointed them to no end and they don't even really know it. I've run from their gift too, but then again, was it ever really mine?

When I saw my sister at the airport, I couldn't help but to wonder what could've been. I couldn't help but to wonder if I would've gone back. If I would've been at her wedding and yet as I got on the plane bound for Seattle, I put my headphones on and packed all those emotions away again. I know that there is no going back. The past is the past. People can change my future without them even knowing it. My parents can give me one thing and take away something else that is so important to me. I wonder what would've happened if I had been taken seriously. I know that I wouldn't have married him, but I could've come to that conclusion without being where I am right now.

I probably won't ever get an apology from my parents, and they won't get one from me. I'll never have the wedding where I wished I had had it outside instead of in. I'll never have the ring with the eternity string of diamonds. Or a mother-in-law that would help her son pick it out for me. I will never have my own home with my husband that my parents would come and visit me in. I'll never have any of that. Did I imagine this when I was walking home from the park? Not really...then again, what little girl ever does. I had those eyes, I've had that smile directed at me. It's been from various sources but it's been there. Not like I ever imagined, but if I take everyone and mold them together, then yes, I've got what I thought I would. Yes I"m where I thought I would be. Only, now, I'm grieving him instead of relishing him. I know that he's out there, but he lives in different states and countries and continents. My heart literally travels around the world. My heart is in many different places, with different people. Do they know this? Do they know that they still carry a piece of me with them everywhere they go? That I think about them and wonder what they are up to? Do they know that I could call them and wish with all my wishes that they pick up the other side? Do they know what it means to have them say hello and to ask what's up? Do they know what it's like to just know that they are okay? Maybe. Maybe not. But it's there.

I love them all...so yeah, I'm lucky. I've had, to me, what people have faught and died for. I've experienced the highs and the lows, regardless of time or length. I've been. I wish I had it in one person who I could share it with all the time, but that's just not in my deck of cards. Then again, I have no idea what is going to happen next. That's what makes life so interesting.

I can move. I can gain new friends and leave behind those I thought might have been. I can meet new people and experience different situations and cities. I can do anything that I never thought was possible and yet I know that my life will always keep going...to a certain point. I know that just ahead there is something else to occupy my thoughts and time. There may be a time when I think things calm down and I look around and smile. I know this. I has always been this way with me. I know that people will continue to come and go. I know that I will always guard and protect my emotions, yet still let my heart breathe and live in the open air. I know that I will always be me.