8.02.2002

is this vermont?
roommateJen was telling me the other day that when she was little her mom took her and her younger brother to Vermont. During the entire trip, her brother would fall asleep, wake up, look around and ask "is this vermont?"

But remember that anticipation you would get when you were a little kid? That you couldn't sit still and the road seemed endless? That's the feeling that I have right now. Not sure as to why since I am not expecting anything to happen. The boy is going up to Penn State for the weekend and the roommates? Well they are heading up to PA too, but for the Pennsic Wars. I'll have the house too myself for the next 2 weeks. Okay kids, say it with me now...squid! :)

But I'm thinking that anticipation is contagious. All the movement that has been happening around me. The Jenn and Mel have been running around the house sewing clothes that i can't pronounce or spell correctly, washing, packing, washing, getting tetnus shots because they poked themselves with needles, oh and don't forget, more washing. That poor machine! I'm actually still surprised that it's running...but then agian it is a maytag or whirlpool...i don't remember off the top of my head. But they both vacate today - Melissa is on her way to meet her boy and Jenn just called to say that she's ready to go so that she can get on the road to meet her boy. Maybe my stomach will settle down after they are gone.

So over the past week Jenn and I have been discussing music on the way home. Bass lines, lyrics and their meanings. Yeah, this is my kind of conversation. Yesterday, "wish you were here" by incubus came on the radio. It's my theme song. It describes me perfectly, but maybe not in the sense that you would normally view the song. Here's my take:

It's not about wishing that a lost love would come back. It's not about the hurt of wanting that person beside you again, screaming into the wind, I wish you were here. No, to me it's about being okay and knowing that, in my case, he will show up. That i can "dig my toes into the sand" and "lean against the wind" and be weightless. I'm okay with or without him, that "in this moment i am happy". Yet I know in the end that I will be okay...I will always be okay.

I was at VA Beach recently and walking along, two songs came to mind, WYWH and #41 by DMB. That's my other theme song but for a different (yet similar) reason. It's still about "coming into me" but after I've been through a hard loss in my past. WYWH is almost like the next logical step. About enjoying the sand, the stars, the wind...enjoying me. I've grown a lot in the past few years. I understand that it's all within the common progession of most people, but it has also made me ageless. Ageless because I have known great and passionate love. I have had great friends and met amazing people. I have been and seen and done things out of the ordinary. I have experience things and dealt with situations that some can never dream of or understand. But through everything, my world has always come back to me.

But the time comes when all of that is something that I want to share. I want to tell someone. I have my handful of very close friends that know most things about me, but there are parts that I want to share with someone who has a more vested interest in knowing. I love my friends dearly, but there are somethings that I choose to keep to myself, holding them close to my heart until the time comes to express them. If he comes and is willing to listen, then I will speak, but until then i will "lay my head onto the sand...counting ufo's."

I know what makes me happy. One of the biggest lessons that I think life teaches but doesn't always spell out is that happiness cannot be found in another person until you are happy with yourself. And even then, they can only enhance what you have already started. Look around at people and you will see what I'm talking about.

So in the meantime, here I am with two weeks alone and a dog on my hands. I've got ideas of things I want to see and do. I love my life changing course and bringing new things in. It is rolling and dipping in so many directions right now, "my hands...busy in the air." I can't help but to laugh and smile from the thrill.

Maybe this anticipation is all my own.
Something is brewing and swirling around me...

I wonder what all the fuss is about...

8.01.2002

seattleLaura
here's an example of a typical seattleLaura quote:

me: there ya go. you're all that and a bag of chips...potato or corn. whichever you prefer.
SL: fritos. definitely fritos
me: uh huh.
SL: that's going to become my new saying "definitely fritos".

blah, blah, blah - i don't remember all that was said, but we moved on to something else...

me: well you can have that with some peanut butter.
SL: oh i love peanut butter! peanut butter and fritos.
me: that's disgusting! peanut butter and fritos?!?
SL: no! i mean peanut butter sandwiches. fritos are a side dish.
me: oh. so what do you like on with your peanut butter sandwiches?
SL: bread

gotta love her!! :)